2 things for ya:

1. "the pervasive silence
of a man alone with heavier things
than birthday cake"

This I like a lot. The birthday cake part was unexpected in a good way, great line break. The next line, though...If this man's contemplating heavy things, why not use a more appropriate adjective than "gentle"?

2. Gonna recommend different line breaks in the last stanza. Here's where I'd break 'em:

"Some part of you whispers
prayers in the wind on secular afternoons
in footfalls dashed across busy highways.
Some part believes in salvation

for both of us."

These changes have to do with how the words go with each other, at least in my head. I think someone told me once that each line should sort of be able to stand on its own, and these stand stronger this way. Hope that makes some sort of sense. I like the space between the last lines, way to end dramatically.

--
~Julie Ann

"We grow up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe; the reruns all become our history..."
~Goo Goo Dolls

I have to agree that "Gentle" when your talking about contemplation is not the way to go, only because I know you want to bring out the subtle softness of the evening, when the sun dies and the moon triumphs, but I think this quiet moment has a lot more going for it. There's a wealth of words to use as well. Anyway, if that adds up at all.

I really like that whole section though, very well done.
And.. each line may stand on it's own, but there are times when a poem flows from one line to the next and each line has a little piece of the story. Without the rest, the poem loses satisfaction. There are times in this poem where the lines need the rest of the poem. I don't think it's a bad thing myself.

-DoomiT-

--
What I don't know will never hurt me, cannot forget cannot remember, this information is forever... missing time -MDMFK

-DoomiT-

This has your voice, but lacks in weight of meaning; I think this poem is too shy. I know that the idea of "secular afternoons" is perfect, but the wording just doesn't work in this poem. And what does the crush and curiosity relate to? I'm not sure, and I lose interest when the narrator doesn't hook in.

A.

--
www.strangejournal.com

I really like the heavier things/birthday cake bit... but the rest of it seems to my mind to be too far from you for me to digest.

--
It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love. It only matters that you love. ~John Lennon

I really do need to vary my word choice & increase my vocab! I notice that I'm repeating myself.

Thank you, as always, for your feedback.

--
do your part. love your mother.
Friends of Earth [link] DATA [link]

The poem is very shy.
Will re-attack.

Thanks.

--
do your part. love your mother.
Friends of Earth [link] DATA [link]

It's about a person that I'm just getting to know. Interesting guy, a strange mix. I think maybe I can expand on it now that I've had a few more conversations.

--
do your part. love your mother.
Friends of Earth [link] DATA [link]

Read read read.. and I do the same. Vary your authors and challenge yourself. I particularly like Clive Barker, and Alice Munro.

And your welcome.

-DoomiT-

--
What I don't know will never hurt me, cannot forget cannot remember, this information is forever... missing time -MDMFK

-DoomiT-

A month later...

Agree with others about the birthday cake (love it), and the gentle (not quite the right word).

Also agree that the poem is shy, soft. It whispers timidly.

The afternoons line seems visually too long, out of place...I know that's not the best reason to argue a line length, but it's true for me. I find it distracting, and expect it to live up to its length.

There's some good imagery, with the birthday cake and the footfalls across busy highways. Capture some more of those solid images, perhaps, to bring out the mood more?

*shrugs* Not much, I know, but all I've got for the moment. *hugs*