It's very nice, I get lots of images of people running across beaches hand in hand. And it's nicely individualised too; the bits about hickory and mullberry I love.

However, there are one or two "formal" bits, which grate; as this is so individual, it belies any kind of formality, so "swum unclothed" doesn't sound quite right.

Other than that, it's a marvel!



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Know your DeviantArt
Learn the Way of the Forums

As for the title... not sure. Something about beaches and holdling hands forever, that's the idea I get from it.

--
Know your DeviantArt
Learn the Way of the Forums

Awww! I'm a real sap, I know. But it's not just one of those angsty love poems (I know, I know, you're far above that anyway). It's quiet and retrospective...I think I like the mulberry stanza the best...and the creases...it's beautiful in the way that you know the other person so well. (Rob, right? Not another one on the side or anything? )

P.S. thanks for the note earlier. I was just going through a rough spot. Lots of love!

a very well writing personal experience on love. If i was a teacher, this would get a A. and a sticker.

*laughs*
I love stickers.

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do your part. love your mother.

Always Rob. I'm glad you're doing better. Hopefully I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Who is having T-day anyway?

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do your part. love your mother.

fresh out of stickers *wink*

One of the quickest ways to critique your own poem is to look at where you began and where you ended. (Very much not like rocket science).

For instance: Your poem begins with talking about creases in the beloved's face, and ends with talking about those same creases. To be fair, the speaker in the poem does attempt to change the emotional tension of the image by juxtaposing the beloved's creases with images of a history with the speaker (Yeah, I caught the sidelong reference to creases and fault lines in the earth. Good try, but it kinda falls flat. You try to get too much mileage out of the image. It almost seems like you are trying to justify the lack of overall movement in the poem by having an interesting play on words near the end.)

Back to my point of a couple days ago: You aren’t letting the language drive the poem. The roots of the word “metaphor” literally mean a transportation. You need to let the language travel. Pack your bag. Board the damn train.


More practical-last-minute-help-for-a-portfol io kinda stuff follows:

Something about the word “befuddled” doesn’t really work here, ie. The word isn’t all that pretty to begin with and then it doesn’t resonant with the fairly strong “s” consonance you’ve got going in the first stanzas (maybe “virginity” as well, though I like how the image works, it just sounds rigid)

“to the tensions” should probably be cut. The “Christ walking on water” image would come off a little stronger if you ended the line with “Christ”. That hard dental would make it stand out more. You dilute the image with the prepositional phrase.

“Treefrogs….operetta” a little quaint, clichéd, etc. It doesn’t really live up to how the stanza began, ie. with powerful image of Christ as some sort of natural force. It’s a little too ordinary in other words. Though I like the “soothing hum…” bit at the end. That can work. You just need to support it with something of similar stature.

The next stanza: “We should…those waters”. Ok ok I can buy that, but the following part. The past participle of swim=swum and it doesn’t sound all the pretty. And then “swum unclothed”, I know you may be wanting to give off some timidity vibes from the speaker (virginity and such) but I don’t think this works. It feels a little prosy and artificial.

Ok. I’m running out of time.

Let’s see.

At the “a crease…” stanza the rhythm breaks down completely. You have some meter and strong “e” rhyme thing that is distracting (“me” and “upholstery”).

You might consider striking it all from here down. Despite the one or two good images. Especially the line “and I tried so hard not to fall in love with you”. That takes the cake. You know, the three tiered don’t-ever-write-this-again cake. That line is so unappealing and ordinary (not that ordinary is always a bad thing) that shipping companies are using it for packing material.

Wow. My hyperbole knows no bounds.

If I think of anything else, I’ll try to send it this evening. I’ve got to get to work now.

that ending is beautiful!! "to think they are my fault" i love that - its very e.e. cummings to me

gorgeous front image too - the flowers looking at one another

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**art requires an open mind**

Thanks, sweetie.
^_^
Those sunflowers have been waiting for a love poem to front for a long time.

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do your part. love your mother.