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Comments
Two little things. First, the speaker's "pitch" thrives on differentiation and experience instead of classic beauty. In that vein, "painted pink in your tuliped night" doesn't really work for me because some tulips are pink, so this doesn't really mean much, and in terms of color symbolism pink is a color of naivete and inexperience. Second, "The grass is greener in the dew- / dropped night" doesn't work for me, because you've already invoked green in the first stanza, "grass is greener" is one of those phrases it would be hard to sell in any poem, and following with "dew-dropped night" requires that enjambed line break for rhythm and, thus, for a fairly useless line ("dropped night"). This poem is so tight otherwise, and ends so well, this just stands out to me as fairly weak.
I could read this over and over again for days. And, since I'm faving it, I probably will. You're beating the shit out of this contest, and you're making the rest of us look bad.
You don't have to stop, mind you. I was just making sure you knew.
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"It's like the first time you tasted celery, you are speechless, even humiliated."
-Aki Riihilahti
it got a strange rythm, but i'm not good at poetry (nor at english..) so i'm probably missing lot of this poem.
nice to see that my work is inspiring for someone
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Buh.
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**art requires an open mind**
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htiaf fo lasrever eht
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Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~ Samuel Beckett ~
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For all poets: [link]
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"if wishes were grapes, i would stomp on your wishes. then after some fermentaion i would drink your wishes, and possibly throw them back up!" ~a hallmark card
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